Chance of a weird injury? A lead pipe cinch

Bartolo Colon once went 0-for-43. Soon after that one ended, he took off on another 1-for-50 “streak.” None of that stopped the Mets from including a fat bonus in his new contract for winning a Silver Slugger Award.

This is called the Pipedream Clause. What’s Bartolo supposed to do, say, “No thanks?” And if a guy can learn to hit at 43 and do it better than anyone else at his position … claim your reward, dude.

But for every Pipedream Clause, shouldn’t there be a Lead Pipe Clause? It calls for a deduction if you miss playing time after getting hit by a plumbing vessel, or for other equally sensible injuries.

Like …

Pulled oblique muscle, left (Mat Latos) or right (Kevin Pillar), or back spasms (Sammy Sosa), from sneezing.

Bruising your tailbone by falling off a beanbag chair (A’s reliever Fernando Abad did it this season).

Getting your face scorched by (oxymoron alert) chillin’ on a tanning bed (Marty Cordova).

Suffering a chest burn while ironing your shirt … while wearing it (John Smoltz).

Straining your back while yanking on boots (Wade Boggs).

Dislocating your shoulder ripping apart a phone book (Steve Sparks, the 1994 Brewers version).

Dislocating a thumb while pulling on socks (Randy Johnson; no, not that one — the Braves’ 1982-84 third baseman).

Hand lacerations while buttering a dinner roll (Oddibe McDowell, 1985-88 Rangers), washing dishes (Ian Kennedy) or cleaning a blender (Brett Cecil).

Dislocating your ankle while showing your 5-year-old son how to use a trampoline (Joba Chamberlain).

A swollen wrist by over-jamming on Guitar Hero (Joel Zumaya, during the 2006 postseason).

Frostbite … in August … by falling asleep with an ice pack on your foot (Rickey Henderson).

A stomach stab, when taking on a DVD box with a knife and losing (Adam Eaton).

Biting YOURSELF in the butt.

Okay, that last one requires an in-depth explanation. Clarence Blethen was a ’20s pitcher, forgettable except for one thing: He’d try to spook out hitters by moving his false teeth from his mouth to his back pocket while pitching. Well, one day he slides into second and the dentures chomp into his butt bad enough to force his removal from the game with excessive bleeding.

Yes, a century before cell-phone “butt calls,” we had a “butt call-out.”

7 Comments

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Dear Mr. Singer – I couldn’t find any other place to comment to you, so I’ll try here. I just saw the piece where reporters discuss their HOF ballots. I saw you voted for two gigantic cheaters, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds, but failed to give the nod to Alan Trammell, a player more deserving than either of those two, not to mention one the great shortstops of all time. Maybe it’s because he played in Detroit and you rarely saw him. In any event, big oversight. If Ozzie Smith and Barry Larkin are in the Hall, Trammell should be too. You should know that.

Rob – As a matter of fact, I did see Alan play, was a great admirer of him and voted for him for years when he first landed on the ballot. With the passage of time, however, the influx of other worthy candidates pushed him out of my 10. As for Bonds and Clemens … I’d ignored them the first couple of times, but have given in the last 2 years for 2 major reasons: Like many writers, I rejected the idea of having to be the PED Police; and an increasing sense that prevalent PED use in their days did indeed level the playing field — although in a very perverted sense.

And who are the three morons who kept Junior from a 100% vote?!
100% they are Hillary supporters!

Happy New Year Tom!
I applaud your position on lightening up on the PED issue for your HOF vote. We all know MLB turned its head to the issue for years to get more pop in the game for better ratings.
Then oh, sorry, along came Jose Canseco and his book. All the rats started jumping off the ship.
You are right. They all did it at the time, so the playing field was level. Some got away with it, some got caught, and some lied (who were crucified more for their lies than the issue!)

To not have the guy who by far not get into the Hall is ridiculous- he was hitting against steroid-infused pitchers!

Tom- Sorry for the typo. I meant to say “by far hit the most home runs”.
And tell Coniff to get his head out of his butt- the steroids there are toxic!

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