New Year’s Resolutions, like records, are made to be broken. No kidding. For 20 New Years now, the Pirates have whiffed on this one:

“We resolve to have a winning record.”

As the Buccos polish off that one for a 21st time, they’ve got plenty of others to pin on the bulletin board, collectively and individually. They resolve:

• Pedro Alvarez: “To get mad once in a while. Blowing off steam is good.”
• Neal Huntington: “To sound more like a baseball guy and less like a rocket scientist. ‘Metrics’ and ‘logarithms’ are out.”
• Andrew McCutchen: “To line one right between Aroldis Chapman’s legs.”
• Travis Snider: “To try at least one veggie-burger.”
• Pirates: “To no longer play 19-inning games. Ever.”
• James McDonald: “To come back from the All-Star break.”
• Pittsburgh batterymen: “To exclude basepaths from Pirate Charities. No more ‘free 90s.'”
• Fans: “To not jump off the Roberto Clemente Bridge at the first ‘oh-oh.'”
• “Fans:” “To not jump to conclusions.”
• A.J. Burnett: “To bunt runners into scoring position, not myself onto the disabled list.”
• Pirates: “To raise the Jolly Roger more often than fans’ blood pressure.”
• Russell Martin: “To look like Ray Liotta, just not in the batter’s box.”
• Vin Mazzaro: “To bring back 2009, when I set an A’s record for a starter by not allowing a run in my first 17 2/3 career innings.”
• Neil Walker: “To imagine the bases are loaded every time I come up to bat.”
• Clint Hurdle: “To give the rest of the National League something to chew on.”